Stardust Capsule returns to earth. Zombie researchers sounding red alert.

Editor's note: I did not actually write this. Adam did and it seemed approprate for here. I made minor swears edits, cause I'm drunk with power. I'll get to the theme next post.

Zombie researchers, a field of professionals whose opinions often differ wildly to the point of violence, today united in expressing their outrage and horror at the return to earth of NASA’s stardust capsule.

“This return to earth of the Stardust Capsule represents the most significant threat of a space based zombie pathogen breaking out in the wider human population that we’ve seen since the discovery channel used a robot crawler to open the mysterious inner chamber of the Great Pyramid in Egypt.”

No! Don't do it man!

This statement by Dr. Gag Zeltwurst was part of a press release put out just hours ago by the American chapter of Zombie Watch International, the group who also recently made headlines by stating that the recent outbreaks and spread of bird flu was merely a government cover up story to mask a horrific series of local level zombie outbreaks that started after French tourists defiled the temples at Angkor Wat and in other locations in east asia. The statement read out by Dr. Zeltwurst spelled out the danger in the clearest possible terms.

“For the good of human civilization, we desperately urge the scientists of NASA not to open the Stardust Capsule at any cost and for it to be buried in a sanctified led pressure chamber at sea over the Mariana’s trench.”

NASA scientists committing the unthinkable

The group fears that exposure to the elements of deep space could have allowed the aerogel sample package to pick up the dreaded ‘great space zombie pathogen’ or GSZP, a variant of the zombie virus so horribly communicative that even “the particulate remains of the recently cremated would begin to reanimate and become mobile, moving across the land like a dust storm, infecting all who inhale even the tiniest amount of the virus laden particulate matter”.

History would prove their jubilation misplaced

Further more, the group’s statement offers an even more dire prediction than a possible outbreak of GSZP. The statement reads thus, “If NASA scientists must open the sample return capsule then it is crucial to the survival of all life on earth that they are at least 47 miles away from any locations such as church buildings, synagogues, mosques, any place where significant numbers of dead are interred in any way or any other spiritual nexus point.”

Apparently according to Zombie Watch International research, an outbreak of GSZP near a so called ‘spiritual nexus point’ may concentrate so much evil in one spot that it could possibly open the long foretold of ‘gateway to hell’, a scenario whereby the unholy legions of the dammed are able to pass over into our world to inflict their deepest torments on the flesh of living man himself.

File photo of Demonic Invader

“The consequent demon invasion would threaten not just the United States, or the broader world economy, it would potentially be the end of human civilization.” When asked what preparations they were taking in the light of these potentially world shaking events, Dr. Zeltwurst commented that the group was “amassing arms, ammunition, body armor, heavy trucks, church equipment, priests, imams, monks, fuel, fresh water and canned food supplies. We are also beginning to train an elite, multi faith Paladin Warrior Combat Squad in the event of any demonic invasion that may occur if a GSZP outbreak occurs to close to a spiritual nexus point.”

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts, And I looked and behold: a pale horse. And his name, that sat on him, was Death. And Hell followed with him.